I hid in there for half an hour with the door locked, thinking about whether to press send or not. The third time I told someone was a text, sent to a friend, on Christmas day, from the bathroom of my family home. And meeting people who were L, G, B and/or T helped me realise that there’s no reason you can’t be happy and fulfilled as a bisexual person – it’s not the experience I assumed I would have, but it can be just as fun! I could talk to them without worrying that I’d be gossiped about or laughed at, or that I’d ‘come out’ and be unable to ‘come’ back ‘in’. Telling these people who I didn’t have any social or family connections with how I was feeling helped me get used to talking about something I’d been denying and suppressing for three years. There was also a nearby LGBT+ charity with a youth group so I contacted them and asked if there was anyone I could talk to about this. They kept their social media groups and everything very secret because they understand how hard it can be, so I felt safe knowing no one would find out. I then joined my university’s LGBT+ social group. I joined an LGBT+ friendly (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) website where people offer each other informal support. I knew I needed to talk to someone before my mental state hit a dangerous low and I was too scared of what my friends and family would think, so I found other ways to talk about it. So the second, third and fourth times I told people, they were complete strangers.
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The first time I tried to tell a friend seriously that I was bi, they didn’t take me seriously and thought I was joking… I decided that the only thing that would make it better was to talk about it. The thoughts about how I didn’t want to be bi or gay and about how terrible everything was spiralled out of control and I became anxious and depressed – I can see now, looking back on it, just how dangerous it was! There are species of animals which have gay relationships even, google it – it’s really not ‘weird’ like people think it is.Īt the time though, I didn’t have these answers. Love is love, between whoever, and it’s all completely normal. There is NOT anything wrong with you – society is to blame for making you think that. Is it because there’s something wrong with me?”
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I was freaked out, but I was in denial and firmly convinced myself that the thoughts about women were just a phase, or just something I found sexually exciting because it’s a bit ‘different’.īut by the time I was 21 I realised I was unhappy, that being in denial about my sexuality was affecting my relationships and that I couldn’t ignore it or make it go away. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I properly started having sexual fantasies and desires, and more than half of them were about women.
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But the first time I watched a film or tv show and felt sexually attracted to the person on the screen, it was a woman – a scene in American Pie, I think! I assumed the feelings were because I wanted to “be” as attractive and sexy as the woman on screen, so I didn’t think too much about it! I’d always been friends with girls, but as a kid I never thought about girls in a romantic way… whereas I had ‘crushes’ on boys, who I obsessed over, and who I wanted to kiss and hold hands with and be with foreeeever. I didn’t realise I was bisexual for a long time.